Posts Tagged ‘dating’

At some point, every place you frequent will become corrupted by suburbanites.

In New York, for example, clubs and restaurants closed after “bridge and tunnel” traffic destroyed the vibe.

In Houston, business models take this kind of thing into consideration so it doesn’t really matter. I guess people in Manhattan thought they’d be better insulated, but Jersey was just a bridge away.

The divide between Suburban and Urban is much worse than jarring. It’s hysterical and getting worse it would seem.

Frames of reference are light years apart. In fact, everything about big city life sets whatever happens in Suburbia in another star system.

I guess it’s like going to war for the first time. Everything is shocking until it isn’t and then your just as screwed as the rest of us.

 

 

Older guys are always kind of giddy when they meet someone at a bar who appears to express an interest in them.

In fact, the magic is so powerful that they neglect to get anything more than a first name after sharing 2 bottles of wine and a shrimp cocktail at their expense.

They call me the next day to tell me that it finally happened: “I finally met someone I’m genuinely interested in who is also interested in me!”

Of course, the later part of the sentence is the key to the whole thing because they’re already interested in anyone young enough and hot enough like most men.

Okay, so now it’s Sunday morning and all they have is a first name and 90 minutes of conversation.

Why do you think this is?

Would it have something to do with the fact that she doesn’t want to be tracked!?!

If she was truly interested in the man she would have given him a business card and/or last name.

But because the world is wired and everyone is traceable, the less information she divulges the harder it is to put the pieces of her life together.

This is academic in today’s world.

There are several possibilities here:

1] She may want to fuck around without being labeled a slut, which means she has to protect her identity from men she may have other interests in, like money.

2] She may not want to be stalked by the guy who just bought the bottles of wine because she enjoys the wine more than the guy who bought them for her.

3] She may be playing several guys at the same time, which means that she has to become several different people. This is why many women use first and middle names, only — or middle then first names and so on when registering with Facebook and other social networking sites…but mainly, Facebook. Then she can close ranks with a few “close friends” who share in her escapades and live their own lives as other people.

4] Women married to very wealthy husbands who travel all the time are prime candidates for this type of activity. While hubby is in Brazil on business she has two or three lovers back home who only know her as “Angelle” from Adultfriendfinder: Its just fragments of data in cyberspace and nothing more.

5] Such women who are members of certain communities, like health clubs, often keep a low profiles for reasons you may not consider. One of them is anonymity. Excuses of shyness or antisocial personality disorder no longer work. Most people already know it’s about stealth.
There is a woman at my own health club who carries on two relationships at the same time — in public. How does she do this? Her husband is from a foreign country, never speaks to anyone, and travels extensively. He is not doing poker night with the boys. In fact, he is not known at all. For her part, she is virtually invisible. No on knows her name, or anything about her. In fact, most people wouldn’t even recognize her at a restaurant because her look changes like the hide of a chameleon. Thus, she is able to pull off the ruse with self-confidence and grace.

She also chooses her dates carefully, which the Internet helps parse.

Now you know why a woman may not want you to find her.

In the old days most people didn’t have access to FBI databases. Now they know your entire ancestry going back three centuries in a keystroke.

No wonder they only exist in your head.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/advice/health/female-bodybuilding?utm_source=crowdignite.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=crowdignite.com

Ask any guy my age [middle age] in the gym to describe the ideal female physique and he will tell you fit, toned and muscular without the “roids.”

As for butt size, breast size or hair color, it’s secondary.

I hope I cleared this up.

I think it’s safe to say that everyone in America is a member of match dot com.

It’s kind of like having a driver’s license. If you don’t sign up you lose out on opportunities that would not otherwise exist.

Do you understand how ridiculous what I just said sounds?

Read it again.

The “opportunities” I’m referring to are as follows:

1] Obliteration of self-esteem

2] Institutionalized delusion.

3] Commoditization of love.

With this as a backdrop, understand that Match does, in fact work for the following groups of people:

1] Older women seeking young men for sex.

2] Young men seeking women their own age for dates, sex, and maybe love if the sex is good enough.

3] Normal, well adjusted, middle-aged suburban men willing to date other average people their own age. Example: Joe is 55 and lonely. Sandy is 55 and lonely. Neither thinks very much about anything and neither expect much from the people they date other than an occasional conversation and someone to die with.

4] Extraordinarily beautiful older women looking for a perfect reflection in another narcissistic man her own age who is probably gay.

That’s it.

The first problem with Match is that most of its members have no idea where they stack up in the human food chain. Most don’t even realize there is a food chain, which is why they turn to vodka and chain smoking.

I have no more to say about this at the moment.

My new book will be out soon.

The following blog post article by Tracy McMillan [daughter of pimp and prostitute, so she knows], went viral [2.9 mil reads] after its posting on Huffingtonpost.com.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html

Now that her new book is out on the same subject, they decided to revisit it with a follow up article on the same subject.

This time I went along for the ride.

Here’s the article, which I suggest you read before sinking your veneers into mine…

www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-still-not-married_b_1541011.html?icid=maing-grid10%7chtmlws-main-bb%7cdl35%7csec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D165551

…………….

1. You’re a Bitch.

McMillan:

Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.

My Response:

Angry women are usually the by-products of angry female therapists. After the first or second divorce women come to the conclusion that something is wrong with them. So they see a female therapist who confirms they’re worst fears, and then sets out to clone an identical emotional profile. The military does the same thing when creating a unified battalion, if this helps.

In this way therapists get to fight another day from their offices using patients as weapons against unrequited rage stemming from fractured Cinderella fantasies.

My suggestion to any woman who thinks she’s somehow flawed because her relationships all fall apart would be to find a male therapist who understands men. After all, no one really understands women, including women.
At the very least, men can help troubled women avoid a SWAT standoff with a live video feed from a helicopter during her menstrual cycles.

So no, men don’t like bitchy women unless it’s role-play for their amusement.

2. You’re Shallow.

McMillan:

When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.
Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

My Response:

Narcissistic delusion is rampant amongst older women because they spend all of their time focused on themselves: their needs, their fantasies, their desires. It’s starts with Disney and ends with Disney. So it never ends. 

3. You’re a Slut.

McMillan:

Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore — but they’re not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn’t stay recreational for long.

That’s due in part to this thing called oxytocin — a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm — that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It’s why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn’t even all that great and the next thing you know, you’re totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that’s how it happened. And since nature can’t discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you’re going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

My Response:

For women, fucking around is like chipping little pieces from a rock. Eventually it’s just a pile of dust with no form or function or purpose.

4. You’re a Liar.

McMillan:

It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he’s not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he’s married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, “I’m not really available for a relationship right now.”
You know if you tell him the truth — that you’re ready for marriage — he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don’t want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don’t want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!

About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don’t tell him that. That’s your secret — just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can’t live without you. I have news: he will never “figure” this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn’t be lying to him in the first place.

My Response:

I have never known a woman to have ongoing great sex with a man without falling head over heals in love with him. Ever.

5. You’re Selfish.

McMillan:

If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems. 

However, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It’s not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say — if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

My Response:

Motherhood is also a way of weeding out everyone else.

6. You’re Not Good Enough.

McMillan:

Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.
Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son’s artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you’re trying to be. They’re attractive, sure. They’re just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size. 

Alright, so that’s the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You’re just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won’t. Once the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something — it’s about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession — a free-agent penis — and for us, it’s the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway — because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self — you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along: Love.

My Response:

Amen.

McMillan:

7. You’re a Mess. You over-drink. You over-eat. You over-spend. You under-earn. Whatever it is, there’s (at least) one big thing in your life — an attitude, a behavior, a vice — that you absolutely, for sure, under-no-circumstances want to let go of. And the bad news is, that is the ONE THING you absolutely, for-sure, under-no-circumstances WILL NOT be able to keep. At least not if you want to move forward. The sneaky part is that this thing holding you back feels like it is making your life more bearable! It’s also telling you that you’re fine! So how do you know if something is a problem? Easy. YOU’RE KEEPING IT A SECRET. If there’s something you can’t (or don’t want) to tell your mom, your best friend, or the guy you’re dating — you can be sure it’s getting in the way of having your best relationship.

My Response:

After a certain age, there is always a problem. But women don’t want to reveal it because they don’t believe in the future of their relationships, and therefore, don’t want their issues broadcast all over the world. So the relationship ends and all the guy can say about the woman in his life was the fact that there was a woman in his life and nothing more.

McMillan:

8. You’re Crazy. Crazy is where you LOVE INTENSITY. You want life to bring the exclamation points!!!!!!! Normal people, and relationships? Big, noisy YAWN. You think of yourself more like Angelina Jolie when she was with Billy Bob. Crazy is where you use your cell phone like an automatic weapon. You meet, have sex, fight and break up — all by text message. Another sign you’ve got the crazies is if you are constantly telling long, involved stories in the break room about what happened this past weekend. You think your listeners are wowed and they are, but to them it’s like watching an episode of “Fear Factor.” Who doesn’t want to watch another person eat bugs? In fact, a sure-fire way to know you’re crazy is if more than one person has told you you’d be great on a reality show — and you agree with them.

My Response:

Crazy is more common than one might imagine. Women who don’t pair bond in the early 20’s spend an inordinate amount of time soul searching. This leads to self-obsession, which leads to existential angst, which leads to delusion when you can no longer fill up all the empty spaces. Then you foist the fragmented version of you onto a man who is supposed to put the pieces together and complete the picture, which never looks the same as it did before you deconstructed it.

McMillan:

9. You’re a Dude. It’s not that you love the Cardinals, have short hair, or or make more money than most guys. It’s that, when it comes to relationships, you want to hunt them down and kill them. You call guys, you text guys, you ask guys out. You have sex like it’s a temp job, hoping that if you rock a guy’s world, you’ll get hired full-time. And it’s not working for you, because right now, you are in a long-term, committed relationship with EXACTLY NONE of those dudes. Am I saying you should join a quilting circle? Wear ruffles all the time? Um, no. But you might want to see what it’s like to let the game come to you. Because there’s one requirement above all others a guy needs to possess to be your man: he has to REALLY WANT to be in a relationship with you. (Duh!) Fortunately, there’s a foolproof way to find out just how much of a crap a guy gives: he will 1) ask for your contact information, and 2) HE WILL USE IT RIGHT AWAY. (Do not try to tell yourself he waited two weeks to call text you because he probably had to visit his grandmother in Milwaukee! Guys bring their phones to Milwaukee.) Prequalifying a man like this will prevent the mortgage meltdown that is your love life. Because at the end of the day, you don’t need to know if a guy wants to donate his sperm to you. (The answer will probably be Oh, hell yes.) You want to know if he’s willing to send your egg to college. And if a guy doesn’t feel like taking you on a date, THE ANSWER IS NO.

My Response:

“Guy chicks” are bad for the marriage business. Guys like to say things like “she likes to hang out with my friends and get shit-faced and play pool,” but at the end of the day, they would rather see her get a manicure and have a panic attack once in a while so they have someone to save other than themselves.

10. You’re Godless.

McMillan:

Remember how I said that marriage is a spiritual path? Well, we’re there. The point where I suggest something totally radical and punk-rock as a way of transforming whatever it is you have going on (or don’t have going on) in the area of relationships. And here it is: I want you to get a god. Wait, come back! It’s not necessarily what you think. What do I mean by god? Well, I don’t mean a bearded dude in the sky who is going to give you a Mercedes and a husband if you’re good and punish you if you’re bad.

My Response:

Men like women who have a spiritual core because it suggests an ability to see beyond oneself, which is generally speaking the most ridiculous thing anyone these days has ever heard of.

[end]

“Jay, are you ready??? Am I talking to myself?!? We have to be at the opera house in 20 minutes!”

“I’ll be there.”

“When? We have to go now and you’re not even dressed!”

“I’m watching an old Zeppelin video on YouTube.”

“Never mind that! Get some clothes on, and make sure they look nice. Don’t embarrass me! We’re meeting the Matthews at 7:45.”

“What are the Matthews?”

“You need to grow up! Get dressed and let’s go.”

…………………..

Does any of this sound familiar? Ya know, after a while you regress back to childhood to the days when your mother pitched a fit about your delinquency.

The woman yelling becomes your worst nightmare and all you want to do is drink heavily and disappear into your head. But you can’t because now you’re an adult in an adult relationship with adult expectations, and you just know it’s going to kill you prematurely, but at this point you don’t even care because anything is better than this.

No wonder I live with someone half my age, minus a few…

If the title of this article comes across a tad jaded, just look at it as reality delivered without the help of an advertising agency.

If you’re a 20-year-old woman, online dating is a great way to meet people who actually come close to matching your fantasies, because at that age – and in this context – they exist.

You can mine your Prince from a dorm or backyard apartment down the street – or from architecture school in Rome, for example – and not have to face the hell your older sisters yell about, which is often described as Russian roulette, but with more bullets.

With this in mind, let’s get down to business.

If you’re a 38-42-year-old woman looking for your Prince, you’re officially playing the aforementioned game. This is because there is no Prince. Your fantasies wrote him out of the script. More specifically, he was killed by your parameters, which are about as realistic as parenting a child with a baboon.

Here’s a sample ad that one finds on a dating sites:

“I’m a gorgeous 39-year-old female with a great job, lots of wonderful friends, and a lust for travel. I work out 7 days a week, eat right, don’t smoke [or like people who do], drink socially, and live a blessed life.

But there’s a piece missing, which is why I’m here.

I know it surprises you that that I would ever do something like this, but the truth is I’m very selective, and since my life is already pretty much perfect, I don’t feel any particular need to actively pursue anyone.

If you’re in any way intimidated by any of this, then we’re not a match.

Having said this, I’m actually a warm and loving person [for the right man], who should be a very handsome 22 to 35-year old, extremely fit [see this month’s Men’s Health cover], on a strong career path, who loves to travel to Ritz Carlton’s the world over, be mature, devoted, loving, warm, caring, trustworthy, passionate without being overbearing and be able to make me laugh on a dime. Remember, I have my own life just as you have yours and those boundaries must be respected.”

Okay, enough of this crap.

This woman is essentially telling the world that she likes her life just the way it is, and through her ridiculous litany of must-haves, unconsciously realizes that no one will ever fulfill her fantasies.

So she’s casually fishing, which is something you can see demonstrated on shows like MONSTERFISH, where the guy goes to sleep in a canoe with his fishing line dangling in the water, hoping that the next morning – after he’s had a night’s rest – that something worth doing a show about will be at the end of the line waiting for him to pull the hook out of its mouth.

When I write to such women, which I often do because I feel like it, the ones who don’t threaten to contact the site administrator, usually tell me that online dating is a fantasy, and that they don’t expect much from it, in spite of the fact that they do.

They tell me that their stated preferences for much younger men is a way of weeding out all the mail they receive from men “twice their age,” which makes them bristle.

“How dare he think I would even be interested!”

Many of these women have been on dating sites for years, going back to a time when the sites were prototypes for entities that would eventually rule the World Wide Web.

They just pay the fees by automatic withdrawal, just like the phone bill.

[Go back to the MONSTERFISH analogy].

Eventually, they end up marrying the older men, while maintaining blind profiles, which they would keep even if they found a younger man, because deleting it would kill the fantasy that even the most gracious 25-year-old could never live up to.

The problem with these women is that they are either terminally delusional, or they like their lives just the way they are. But since most of them claim to be looking for something more than just fantasy, I’m sticking with the terminally delusional thing.

They don’t seem to grasp the fact that their time came and went, and that life doesn’t reflect the fantasies that continue to rage unabated in what appears to be simian-thick skulls.

A single woman of 38 should be looking at men in the 50 to 60 range, period!

This, unless, of course, she just wants to get laid, which is oftentimes the fallback position when women don’t want to think about biological timer, which never applies to men no matter how much women kick and scream about women just wanting them for their money.

Women want everyone for their money to one degree or another, whether the guy is 25 and just starting a law career, or a 50-year-old CEO.

The difference is that they have a shot at a relationship with the CEO, who can help them out with the Ritz Carlton bills.

Women bristle every time I bring this up, but these are the very men they end up with the moment their fantasies outpace the discount Botox and expensive veneers.

Maybe women just want everything. But the price tag is usually higher than they can afford, particularly with interest payments that far outpace their fading beauty.

Moral of the story:

Get real or get help. Life doesn’t hand anything over without exacting a payment.

Back in the day, couples married when they were “infants,” which by today’s standards is somewhere between 18 and 25.

The man went to work and the wife stayed at home to raise the kids, run the household, and sometimes, plot the murder of his mistress.

Gender boundaries were clearly delineated. And whatever happened behind closed doors to blur said boundaries stayed there — if only because the Internet wasn’t around to expose it.

Many men were solders of foreign wars that understood survival in the most rudimentary sense, including the occasional need for a mistress who would do things their wives wouldn’t because they were wives.

In psychiatric terms, this is where the “Madonna-Whore” complex derives and where the nightmares of contemporary married life begins.

So from the perspective of women today, these relationships were doomed from the outset. Conversely, women of that era perceive today’s relationships to be something akin to Berlin after the Second World War.

So we’re tied.

These people believed in one God, attended religious services, and loved their unmedicated children who accepted corporal punishment and emotional torture because they knew they deserved it.

They certainly understood the differences between men and women. This is primarily because they lived with both of them, as opposed to a single mother and a father they heard about from police reports.

Of course, if they became famous, they usually needed a restraining order for the strange man on their front lawn.

In those days the insane were easily weeded out because you either “looked right” or found yourself in a straitjacket.

That was it.

There was no time for neurotic self-absorption, otherwise known as narcissistic entitlement, which is now a national pastime, and deserving of a holiday or something.

The only people sitting around reading Nietzsche were psychiatrists and college professors. No one else knew who the hell he was. You did what was normal, and everyone knew exactly what that was because everyone did the same things.

Of course, in a place like New Orleans where I grew up, a normal Saturday afternoon around the house might include a Catholic exorcism; a surprise visit from a member of the deceased; or a picnic that included the sacrifice of a chicken to help someone overcome the flu, which was often mistaken for demonic possession. More often than not, they would fry the same chicken and eat it along with some collard greens and corn muffins and then hope for the best.

So the husband may have had a mistress — if he was lucky enough to afford one.

And in those days, if he could afford one, nobody was complaining.

The wife kept her mouth shut and was happy just to have a roof over her head. She followed the path of other women who cherished married life for better or worse.

In the adulterer’s case, he was obviously, then, a good provider who showed up every night for a cocktail and supper. These were considered carbon credits for any unsavory behavior nobody talked about because of things like the aforementioned ‘roof’ and the carbon credit thing.

He loved his family, and since he was a man as opposed to a woman – a source of confusion today – he had a mistress.

This was the way of things before women started doing the same thing and divorce became the new ethic for people who felt entitled to equality – and endless happiness – for which there were no carbon credits because everything was now relative.

Our new paradigm resembles something out of Darwin’s Origin of Species, under the category, Natural Selection.

From Wiki: “Natural selection is the process by which certain heritable traits -those that make it more likely for an organism to survive and successfully reproduce – become more common in a population over successive generations. It is a key mechanism of evolution.”

From me: “Natural Selection [in the context of moral and ethical relativity], is the process by which balanced facial features, a flawless body, and certain oral skills acquired from the Internet make it more likely for a human female to survive and successfully reproduce children who will become narcissistic sociopaths. It is a key mechanism of human evolution in the context of urban dating and why the Mayans were probably right about 2012.”

Men are feeding at will because women have enabled behavior they themselves felt entitled to, without stopping to consider its more sinister ramifications…like the necessity of having an account with publicdata.com to bust people who’s morality and ethics redefine “relativity.”

Translation: They’re harvesting women like you at will under the pretense of love, which they’ve learned to sugarcoat on a dime. This is particularly – but not exclusively – applicable if they’re in their 20’s, where they’ve learned the hard way that women their age aren’t as desperate, and thus, won’t fall for their carpet bombing.

I swear, sometimes I feel like one of those evangelists barking into a microphone with a band in the background.

It’s like talking to a brick wall.

At least their constituents tip.

If your face looks better than your body, you need to balance your portfolio.

In the case of the body, you may need to spend more time in the gym. As for the face, you may have to do another round of filler. Just make sure your plastic surgeon doesn’t use Pamela Anderson as a guide.

[As a side note, I once knew a woman who had a gorgeous figure and eyes, but a nose that could stop a freight train. It ended up stopping a lot more than that, and ironically, she steadfastly refused to hack the fucking thing down to size. Instead, she brandished it like a weapon and it damned her life to solitary hell. So the nose ruled her world and has ever since.]

Anyway, it’s not about being perfect, but about leveraging what you do have so that you come across that way, nose notwithstanding.

So I’m going to lay out some rough guidelines, which you must follow if you want to know why the man of your dreams just vanished into thin air.

And I’m not laying all the blame on you, by the way. Some men are just narcissistic sociopaths and okay with that.

Anyway, the idea here is to stay as close to 100 as possible. Anything out of balance will lower your score, and some things count more so than others, as you’ll see:

So the first thing I want you to do is head straight for the closest full-length mirror you can find and disrobe. If it’s in your bedroom, make sure there’s enough light, because you’ll need to see every square inch.

Now, I want you to slowly turn around and take a good look at your well-illuminated ass. I’m not kidding around here. Look at it!

If you’re still looking away, you’re not tough enough to square off with reality, which men do without even thinking about it. So you better get used to it if you plan to win this game.

Imagine you’re at one of those cattle auctions if this helps.

I know it doesn’t, but imagine it anyway, because it’s exactly what the man of your dreams will do whether you realize it or not. And no, he doesn’t give a shit about your accusations that he’s superficial, crass or misogynistic.

Goes in one ear and out the other.

He just wants to see a nice ass — that you’re more than happy to showcase in exchange for a piece of him, even if the piece in question is a trip to Jamaica! Whatever it is, there’s always a price tag. And a perfect female ass is a platinum commodity.

So let’s say you have a perfectly round, tight ass. This means you can afford a 70% face and still land the big dog. Conversely, women who have an ass in the 70 range, but the face of an angel get the same props, with an edge still going to the 100% ass. This is an evolutionary thing, which I’ll get into some other time.

But you’re not out of the woods yet. There are still a few more line items.

What happens if you happen to have the quintessential ass AND face, but you’re a complete idiot, psychopath, drunk or some other nightmare requiring professional intervention? Answer: You can expect one errant fuck before the guy moves to Nebraska or maybe South America.

So without the aforementioned intervention, you’re down 90%. This means that unless you’re prepared to move to another city every other week, you’re fucked.

You have to balance all your psychiatric and substance abuse baggage with your face and ass, which does complicate things, but with practice I know you can pull this off without having to move.

So let’s say that you’re blessed with all three assets. You can reasonably expect to be hammered for dates left and right…that is…as long as you’re within a certain age range.

See, age is also a big deal to men who want families, for example. And just because you’re still young at 31 doesn’t mean you’re younger than you were at 21, so we have to subtract some points.

Now you’re down to somewhere in the 75% range if your target happens to is a handsome 38-year-old, marriage-minded attorney with a big cock.

See how this works?

Now for presentation. You better damn well look hot. Not slutty. Just hot. There’s a difference you should know by now. If you don’t, go ask a gay man. He’ll be happy to tell you without expecting a blowjob, but he may expect lunch.

This notwithstanding, the slutty thing doesn’t produce as much damage, because it can be adjusted, and because men still like it no matter how much bullshit they concoct to the contrary.

So finally, there’s performance. Sexual performance. Not his sexual performance – though that’s a big deal – but yours.

Men like women who repeatedly trample moral boundaries like a herd of wild goats, but they like to imagine that they are the reason for your momentary lapse of reason.

It also indicates to him that you’re secure enough to share your perversity, which in turn, makes him feel comfortable acting out his own without fear of an arrest warrant.

Okay, so why did he leave you?

You tell me.

Warning: Do not read this is you’re on your period, or suffer low self-esteem, or both at the same time.

As all women know, men are difficult to manage.

One problem is that they’re linear thinkers, which means that only one thing occurs to them at any given moment; usually sex, money, food or sleep. And while there is hearsay to the contrary, it’s never been officially documented.

Okay, here goes:

The first thing a woman must do is prepare herself, psychologically, for unbiased physical appraisal. Think of it as a kind of boot camp for the soul.

It entails, among other things, disrobing [completely], and then standing in front of a full-length mirror under 1000 watts of Halogen.

Now you know what men see when they look at you, no matter how much 18th century poetry they read.

Just ask any stripper.

They work under flattering light, and when it lands them a date outside the club, they make damn sure they’ve endured the aforementioned if they want a second date with the same person.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

One obvious culprit in this laser-guided objectification of women is the Internet. For many men, its replaced Jack Daniels as the escape du jour, so you can understand why they’re so fascinated with it.

It alone is responsible for burning immutable images of flawless women [usually behaving badly], into male brain chemistry. This can now be expected to pass from generation to generation, not unlike psychosis, so get used to it.

It is also part of the “linear thinking” conundrum women complain about in men, but are willing to ignore in the presence of cash.

Anyway, because men can no longer distinguish “virtual” from real, a woman might find herself in either category at any given moment.

To get a better handle on this problem, I suggest to all women that they type “beautiful women” into a Google search engine. When it opens, click “images.” Pick out a few. Print them…and then Scotch tape the 8 ½” x 11” sheets of paper along the sides of the full-length mirror I mentioned for quick reference.

If you aren’t prepared to do this you aren’t ready for this discussion.

Marines train under similar conditions to avoid getting killed, if this analogy helps.

You must remember that beauty is a woman’s greatest asset, except in places where women help out with farm animals – like, maybe Siberia, where it’s hard to distinguish one from the other.

In other place, like big cities, successful men [your target] expect more superficial beauty because they’ve produced more superficial money.

Furthermore, as the world has been reduced to phrases like “I have this one body, this one life” followed by death, and no virgins, people tend to take advantage of things while they still can, especially if they can afford it.

Even in cases where the man is the “submissive” outside of work, he still expects the women to live up to end of the bargain, which many feminists refer to as a “Faustian” compromise.

Of course, “compromise” is a relative term in the context of men and women, if only because there is no compromising at all where wealth and beauty are concerned.

What are you looking at? I’m just an observer here.