Archive for the ‘Dr. Anton Zegoyavich’ Category

“They sent me a snake! I assure you! Do not be fooled by appearances!”

PLEASE NOTE: Within the past few days my blogging has been stymied due to certain unforeseen events. This has led to psychiatric reactions that should be within my control, but still aren’t, which is why remain in therapy. Posting will resume tomorrow — after my electro-convulsive therapy and Haldol injections.

UPDATE: It’s the next day and I have decided, instead, to give my cats the Haldol and skip the ECT altogether.

So Anton and I chat…

AZ:

They sent me a snake!

J:

Anton, please calm down. What exactly happened?

AZ:

The thing came to me in the night, like something that hunts in the cover of darkness. Oh, yes, beautiful. But, beware my friend, beware. This is no ordinary creature. Not at all. No sir. Not ordinary in the least.

J:

What could possibly be so horrible about a beautiful married woman they sent you? I mean they didn’t even send a hooker, for Christ sake! You paid a basic membership fee!

AZ:

Ah ha! You immediately called it woman. How do you know what it was? How can you be sure?

J:

The website targets married people who want to have affairs. They don’t do anything other than provide the website. The rest is up to you. They had nothing to do with your hook-up.

AZ:

What is ‘hook-up?” You think for a minute I would waste my vast array of skills on foolishness? This is the ploy they use, but it is useless with me, you see.

J:

Anton, they didn’t do anything. You did. You obviously contacted some desperate married woman, sent her a fake photograph and lured her out here into the desert. My guess is that you intended to inject her  and she ran, but probably the moment she met you. Is this the photo you used?

[jpeg of 22-year old college athlete sits on his desktop next to his schematic of The Atomic Table of Elements.]

AZ:

Do not dare to insult me, I warn you! The snake came at me like a wild animals and attempted to strike!

J:

You lied to her, and then attempted to assault her with your completely illegal experiments! The last woman is still on morphine!

Did you try to stick her?

AZ:

I don’t use such crude terminology. I will not even acknowledge it!

J:

I had to bail you out of jail for sticking that hooker with python cells, which almost killed her, by the way. And if the authorities could find you, you’d be behind bars for the rest of your life.

AZ:

I have already expressed to you my feelings about these feeble beings. I have no interest in them.

J:

Well they have a great deal of interest in you.

AZ:

The woman should be proud of her sacrifice. Enough about this! Let us move on.

J:

Let’s talk about Ashleymadison.com. You have demanded a refund on your initiation fee, but you paid with a stolen credit card and used a phony mailing address.

AZ:

I called a hooker from there. A true thing of interest, I assure you. I told her to come here right away to pursue matters of mutual interest.

J:

Who’s mutual interest? She though she was coming out here to meet a handsome young athlete for sex.

AZ:

How dare you! Be careful, I warn you. I know what you are saying!

J:

Where’s the black eye come from? The woman probably punched you and then ran for her life.

AZ:

I am completely and finished with this discussion in its current form. I will have absolutely no more of it.

J:

Why would you contact a service like Ashley Madison in the first place?

AZ:

I found myself somewhat fascinated. That is all.

J:

Anton, were you trying to get laid?

AZ:

Don’t dare say that! I am warning you for the last time!

J:

You were trying to connect with a woman in a sexual way, weren’t you?

AZ:

Stop that! My research comes first and foremost! Why I must repeat this time after time is unbelievable to me.

J:

I dunno…23, flawless ass, sexy, unfulfilled…it just kind of begs the question.

AZ:

Believe what you will! The fact that I remain quite virile, I assure you, and astounding to many women, is of no significance here.

J:

Anton, women like guys with money no matter how good looking they are, or aren’t…just to put things in proper context.

This would include women from AshleyMadison.com who aren’t looking as much for affairs  – which they can find at any neighborhood grocery store – as much as they are looking for better living arrangements.

All this leads me to question your real motives. Is this about research or is it a desire to connect?

AZ:

I have no idea what you are saying. Our conversation is at an end, I am afraid.

J:

It’s funny how the things we don’t say are the very things that define who we are.

AZ:

OUT!!!

[To be continued…]

Zegoyavich at 63.

Zegoyavich: [speaking to me]

“Fools!”

“I have explained myself clearly enough. I am not interested in suspending my pursuits over some inconsequential legal or moral construct. Humanity rests in the balance of my work. Why everyone isn’t on their knees shocks me.”

Jay:

“Anton, from what I understand…”

Zegoyavich:

[cutting me off]

“You understand nothing, I can assure you! What they say is preposterous in its ignorance!”

Jay:

They claim you stole someone’s snake and then used its stem cells in a live human being against her will.”

Zegoyavich:

Be careful! I am not myself these days! My work is of a colossal nature, and completely alien to most. They are invisible to me! They attached metal devices to my wrists, kidnapped me, and then took me away to some horrific dwelling filled with animals!”

Jay:

“You mean they handcuffed you, placed you in the back of a police car, and then took you to jail?”

Zegoyavich:

“Even as they stand on the very edge of apocalypse I was chained like some base thing. I could spit! And your casual assessment of my misfortune is not lost on me, I assure you!”

Jay:

“Anton, you stole someone’s pet Python, killed and dissected it, extracted its stem cells, and then injected them into a woman you kidnapped from a nightclub in Las Vegas. That would constitute several felonies in a row…”

Zegoyavich:

“Stop that! I am becoming wild! I have no interest in trivialities! You and I speak from time to time because I perceive you to be somehow enlightened, perhaps a messenger from myself to the world. But today you sound foolish. They are affecting you. Beware!”

Jay:

“I am simply stating the facts…and bailing you out of jail for the 7th time, by the way.”

Zegoyavich:

“That tone doesn’t strike me correctly. Please identify your intensions!”

Jay:

“Anton…

Zegoyavich: [cutting me off, again]

“Stop with that ‘Anton!’ It is to be henceforth, Dr. Zegoyavich. I am not at all pleased at the moment!”

Jay:

“Dr. Zegoyavich, I have been your friend for a long time and have always believed in your work. I’m not here to judge or criticize you. I simply want to hear your version of what happened so that I can explain it to the authorities. They say you’re a deranged psychopath, and therefore, whatever you say is at best, unreliable.”

Zegoyavich:

“Who are these authorities in their amusing uniforms with metal trinkets in the shapes of make-believe stars? They are nothing but errant spores on an evolutionary thoroughfare. And not well adapted ones, I might add.”

Jay:

“Thank God the woman survived or you wouldn’t be leaving this place at all…probably never.”

Zegoyavich:

“Listen carefully to me. The woman was a necessary step in my process. She had no idea what a tremendous contribution she has made. I made her as comfortable as possible.”

Jay:

“You drugged her! And if given the choice, she would have had you arrested on the spot! She’s still in ICU on a morphine drip…not to mention the hallucinations.”

[as he continues to stare into space, apparently ignoring me, I persist…]

“Dr. Zegoyavich, the authorities don’t see things the way you do. And your work isn’t sanctioned by any medical body on the planet.”

Zegoyavich:

“Curious, this term, ‘authorities.’ What makes these people have such titles? Authorities over what? They are nothing to me. I laugh at these titles.”

Jay:

“You may laugh, but they’re deadly serious. Did you at least learn something from the experiment?”

Zegoyavich:

“In my travels and observations, I have noted certain similarities between human females and snakes of the constrictor family. There is a certain resonant psychology on a primal level that is easy to miss by the untrained eye…”

Jay:

“So I’m guessing you injected the python cells into the woman to see if her body would recognize the cells?”

Zegoyavich:

“Naturally. Have you seen the American movie, Frankenstein? The scientist in charge experienced a similar fate at the hands of people not unlike the authorities of today. They descended upon him with flames and knives and destroyed his home.”

Jay:

“Frankenstein is a work of fiction.”

Zegoyavich:

“I have seen it with my own eyes. How dare you tell me the beast didn’t exist!!!”

[end]

Note: People believe what they want to believe, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, like alcoholics and narcissists. Having said this, the attending physicians at the hospital report that the woman is coiled up in a corner of the ICU with her eyes wide open, while Anton Zegoyavich is, once again, on the lamb; presumably in route to his laboratory somewhere in the New Mexico desert.

[to be continued…]

[The woman in the above photograph is a model and not the actual subject of this discussion]

A close associate of mine, Dr. Anton Zegoyavich, has been kind enough tp share with me the following interview he recently conducted with a woman who claims to be a female fitness model, martial artist and accountant.  The interview covers such topics as: the merits of porn star sex, female objectivity and orgasm- on- demand.

Note: It shouldn’t surprise anyone that an unprecedented number of women have begun taking matters into their own hands where sex and everything else is concerned.

If such women happen to be over a “certain age” and can’t find the man they think they deserve; or they’re frustrated with the sexual feeding frenzy that’s become a perennial harvest for men; or angry about the backlash of feminism that’s reduced them to objects many of them help perpetuate; or have sexual addiction problems of their own, and conveniently use their frustration with men as a scapegoat for their behavior, then this begins to make sense.

Dr. Anton Zegoyavich [taken shortly after injecting himself with the female aging gene. He is 63 years old].

Dr Z:

Well, April, you look very nice…if that is, in fact, your name.

April:

My name is April. What’s your point?

Dr.Z:

Is it your first name?

April:

Does it sound like my last name?

Dr. Z:

Is it your first given name, or did you change it for some reason?

April:

Why would I change my name?

Dr Z:

Okay, let’s move on shall we. I already have more insight here than you might imagine. I warn you, I am quite alert.

April:

Look, I have a tanning appointment in 30 minutes, and you owe me two-hundred and fifty for my time, so let’s get this over with.

Dr Z:

The funds will be made available to you at the conclusion of our discussion. The tanning appointment is of no surprise to me, I assure you.

April:

What’s that supposed to mean?

Dr Z:

Let us begin, shall we? You strike me as quite aggressive, sexually.

April:

Excuse me?

Dr. Z:

I am way ahead of you, I’m afraid. Don’t be alarmed. My mind is quite active, and I will admit to you that it can be quite disconcerting to those who are accustomed to average discourse.

April:

Are you calling me an idiot you miserable little gimp?!? You look like something from outer space. I want my money! This discussion is over.

Dr. Z:

I believe you are in possession of some hormonal abnormality, or that you have injected your body with testosterone. You have morphed into something quite unusual.

April:

I haven’t injected anything into my body! Maybe you should take a look at what you injected into yours! “Unusual’ would be a nice way of describing it.

Dr. Z:

My research is of no concern of yours. I believe there is some gender identity conflict here.

April:

You’re like some creature out of a cartoon! I have a problem with what society thinks women should think and act like. That’s why you’re so confused.

Dr. Z:

Be careful. I can be quite a tiger when I am challenged.

April:

I’m shaking. I think you see what you want to see, Dr. Zegoyavich. And I think that women like me intimidate you, which is why you’re willing to pay for our time. Look at me! I’m a powerful woman. I am physically and emotionally solid. Financially secure. Independent. I have options. Sometimes I choose to exercise them. If I want an anonymous sexual liaison, for example, I have one. And until I’m too old to find lovers I enjoy, I will continue to pursue and manipulate men to get my needs met. They’re no different. They make the same assumptions you do about women. But in my case you’re both wrong. So as long as I don’t take them seriously I can use them at will. It’s only when I expect them to be something they’re not that I get into trouble. So I stay detached. My parents walked out of my life when I was six. I’m told I have a sister somewhere, but that’s all I know. So don’t sit there and suggest I don’t know anything about life, or that I should feel somehow shameful about asserting my independence.

Dr. Z:

Yes, well, it is obvious to me that you use your unresolved abandonment issue as an excuse to pursue what appears to be an advanced case of sexual addiction, which of course masks your childhood wounds. All men are set up to fail. The slightest deviation from a very exacting set of boundaries you impose on them is an indicator of imminent abandonment. This is your signal to replace them. So by the end of a given year you’ve had hundreds of lovers. This is quite fascinating. You are not unlike a wild animal, I’m afraid, and your tremendous physicality is a clear indication of a creature in defense mode, you see.

April:

Give me my fucking money before I squeeze your head off!

Dr. Z:

You and others like you are a terrible menace to us all, I assure you! Your funds are on the table next to the front door. Take them and go back into the world and feed. One day men will learn a very sad truth about what society has spawned.

April:

Men already know what society has spawned, which is why women like me exist in the first place. We were told we could have everything without sacrificing anything…and it was bullshit. Men would never dream of sacrificing so much; bearing children, cooking, cleaning, attending to the emotional needs of men as though they were our own adolescent children. Now we eat from the same plate.

Dr. Z:

You are a sociopath, Ms. April, or whatever your name is. This is what you are all becoming.

April:

What we are all becoming, Dr. Zegoyavich, or whatever your name is…

[end]

[photo example, only]

Dr. Anton Zegoyavich and Psychiatrist Catherine Vaginetti have published a shocking interview with an anonymous test subject who, according to inside sources, was unwittingly injected with sodium pentothal and then tied to a chair ["for better accuracy," according to Zegoyavich] . The overall purpose of the exercise, which some have also referred to as kidnapping and aggravated assault, is to answer a fundamental question: What is it that men want?

Dr. Z:

Yes, well thank you for taking the time to explain a few things to us. You are quite comfortable, I assume.

Banker:

Yes, I am comfortable.

Dr. Z:

Okay then, let us begin. You are divorced and currently date a 22-year-old stripper, is this correct?

Banker:

Yes, that’s true.

Dr. Z:

I see. Would it not have been more appropriate for you to have chosen someone within your own age demographic and cultural experience?

Banker:

No.

Dr. Z:

And why is this?

Banker:

Because I’m more comfortable with a younger woman I don’t have to interact with. Someone who knows that there’s reward in behavior that doesn’t feel like hand-to-hand combat.

Dr. Vaginetti:

Interesting that you use that metaphor. Is that the way you see the age and culture-relevant couples?

Banker:

Yes. We’re too much alike. We share the same cues. I feel scolded all the time, like I’m in the company of my mother night and day. I need some distance. I need someone who doesn’t know me in that way. I am also drawn to the beauty of youth. I’ve already done it the way society deemed appropriate and I was emasculated. I want to be the man in the relationship and want a girlfriend who appreciates that in exchange for a pedestal…you know what I mean?

Dr. Vaginetti:

Indeed I do. Many women resent the very things they cherish most. It’s ironic in one way, but all too predictable at the same time; particularly in families where egalitarianism is almost a religion.

Dr. Z:

Yes, well I have seen this phenomenon played out on an epic scale in western culture. Women fight the paradigms that serve them best. It is intriguing, I must say.

Banker:

Some women think it serves them the least. They want everything: their own home, their own businesses, their own lives…and their own husbands, but it doesn’t work that way, which is why I avoid them at all costs…and there is a lot of cost, by the way.

Dr Z:

Cost indeed. I have witnessed these alpha women of the egalitarian design slice a man like a cucumber. You see this is a terrible mistake, this perverse fantasy of equality. A woman recently assaulted me for suggesting that she adopt this very perspective.

Dr. Vaginetti:

As we all know women are inherently conflicted. Of course, that’s part of our charm. And during the course of life men learn to adapt to its varying degrees of sanity. But today, they are no longer tolerating it if only because there are so many available women who simply don’t want to work and have thrown the feminism paradigm out the window. They are scavenging the losses of an older generation of women who gave up everything to this cult of indoctrination.

Banker:

I’m amazed at how many 35 to 40 year old women think I would actually date them…after their failed marriages, their endless litany of emotional scars and the residue of anger towards men that is impossible to miss. Younger women have seen what happened to this generation and decided to take a different route.

Dr. Vaginetti:

Yes and their older counterparts resent this betrayal with a vengeance, if only because they wish that they themselves had never fallen victim to it in the first place.

Dr. Z:

I tell you, I tried valiantly to explain this to one of my test subjects, but she spit at me like something possessed by a snake.

Banker:

Look, guys like me in business suits and jobs in things like finance are fantasy-fodder for women. They see predictability, security and stability; the things they saw in their fathers. So all I am is the father they never married. But it’s bullshit. I’m a cold-blooded predator. I pursue money with a vengeance because I like the fight and I like the money. This accomplishment makes me feel entitled to things like peace and quiet at home, a hot wife, great sex…and sometimes a hooker. I’m not particularly interested in a lot of deep dialog. I’m not their therapist…and I’m certainly not their fathers. If they need that kind of intimacy they have their girlfriends. I’m a man. I’m simple and direct. I hate arguments with women and will do anything to avoid them because I can’t ever win. In fact I rarely have any idea what the arguments are about, so what’s the point? Women need to understand this and back off. That’s why I date younger, more understanding women.

Dr. Z:

Of course you mean submissive, do you not?

Banker:

Sure, I guess you could put it that way. I don’t want the drama. Been there.

Dr. Vaginetti:

That’s an interesting comment because drama is part of life, and this notion that relationships should be free of it is quite telling. I wonder if the real drama derives from the suggestion that men and women are equal, and as such, should treat one another equally, in the literal sense of the word?

Dr. Z:

Absolutely. This has been my theory all along. One cannot fight inherent gender differences – including fluctuating hormones and, of course, my aging gene. This unprecedented battle exists precisely because we have chosen to ignore reality. Imagine the wildebeest suddenly resenting the behavior of a lion, and instead of running it just stands there and stares as the predator approaches. Will this odd behavior prevent the kill? What a foolish animal. There will be none of them left before the day is over.

Banker:

Here’s my deal. Women can say all they want about finding the perfect guy, but women are delusional and most men won’t admit that because they want to get laid. In fact, men won’t admit much of anything just to keep the peace. The guys who do come clean are always at war with them. But the irony is that those are the types of men women claim they want because of their honesty and ability to be intimate. Look all men can be intimate if they want to be, but not if they want to get laid, because it’s a battle they can’t win and eventually it kills the spark that keeps the relationship alive in the first place. Men need the separation. They don’t want too much closeness in that sense because it makes them feel too vulnerable, which makes them feel weak, which ends up emasculating them.

Dr. Vaginetti: [to Dr. Zegoyavich]

I wonder what he would say in the absence of the sodium pentothal?

Dr Z:

I suspect he would tell us that he’s looking for the next love of his life who just happens to be a 22-year-old stripper and then be done with the conversation…

The following interview was arranged by me, and took place at an undisclosed location Between 2PM and 3PM last Thursday.

Dr. Z:

Okay, well it is a pleasure to have you here with us in our little world.

Jane [not her real name]:

Thanks, I’m here because Jay begged me. I don’t need anyone’s help with my personal life or anything else for that matter. I make my own money, keep my body in good shape, and never have any trouble meeting men…if that’s what this is all about.

Dr. Z:

I see, yes. On first inspection I would say that you are a woman of competitive attractiveness for your age. But let us move on and see what reveals itself.

Jane:

What’s that supposed to mean?

Dr. Z:

Precisely.

Now let us begin. You are 35 are you not?

Jane:

Next Thursday I will be, yes.

Dr. Z:

And how do you feel about this?

Jane:

Being 35? I feel fine about it. I mean, I’d rather be 28, but so would most people.

Dr. Z:

Ah ha, yes, perhaps, but have your dreams aligned themselves with reality as you imagined it at 35?

Jane:

Are you talking about marriage and kids, or what?

Dr. Z:

Precisely.

Jane:

Look I’m a single, independent and happy woman. No, I haven’t found my Mr. Right, but I’m hit on constantly and never have any trouble getting a date, if that’s what you’re thinking.

Dr. Z:

You possess many of the requisite accoutrements for a woman of your years, and thus, one would assume you would continue to attract the attention of men, motives aside.

Jane:

What’s that supposed to mean? A lot of great men would love to go out with me.

Dr. Z;

Yes, well, let us be honest here. Your identity is protected, I assure you. Why are you not doing what nature intended?

Jane:

I could be married and pregnant if that’s what I wanted.

Dr. Z:

So you are not interested. I see. This is interesting.

Jane:

I didn’t say I wasn’t interested. It just hasn’t happened.

Dr. Z:

Oh, well that tells a different story, I’m afraid. Tell me about this endless line of suitors you mentioned. Is there not one who strikes your fancy?

Jane:

No, not really. I’m picky.

Dr. Z:

Perhaps they are as well, you see?

Jane:

Yea, well maybe they want a doormat, which I’m not. Ever considered that?

Dr. Z:

There is little I don’t consider, I assure you. I can see that my aging gene is busy. Your defenses are high.

Jane:

I’m sick and tired of hearing about this aging gene bullshit of yours. We all age. Men and women!

Dr. Z:

Yes, but at different rates, I’m afraid. And with different perspectives, most importantly.

Jane:

Well I think I look great for any age.

Dr. Z:

Well yes, of course. Is that left front tooth of yours some form of synthetic material?

Jane:

What the fuck are you talking about? My teeth are fine.

Dr. Z:

Please, now. We are secure here. Do not play games, I warn you. I have a keen eye.

Jane:

I have one veneer in the front, and it’s a perfect match.

Dr. Z:

Perhaps you should have done the entire front, you see. And I notice some lines around the eyes and mouth. Nothing terrible, I assure you. But I see things that women wish I didn’t. If I were to position a 21-year-old woman next to you we would see some striking things.

Jane:

Who the hell cares about some goddamned 21-year-old idiot?!? Have you ever looked in the mirror? You’re a freak show!

Dr. Z:

Ah, be careful here. You know better, of course. Men see with their eyes. And I am capable of considerable charm, I assure you.

Jane:

Don’t make me laugh in your face! I’m not interested in men my age who want to date 21-year-olds! Grow the fuck up already! I want a man, not an arrested adolescent!

Dr. Z:

Ha ha. I have heard this expression used more than once. You would be surprised to note that men would certainly prefer you on one level, but prefer them on another.

Jane:

I could say the same thing for myself.

Dr Z:

You could, certainly, but it would be a lie designed to create the impression that men and women share perspectives, which you realize isn’t true. Women cannot see a thing with their eyes. They are blinded by their feelings, which are often quite conflicted, you see. So they seek out the most direct route to a refuge from their genetics, which is never easy or direct. This is one reason for their passive-aggressiveness. I footnote this behavior in my research, citing its contribution to the disparate life spans of the sexes.

Jane:

Okay, so men are just superficial and immature, is that it? Is that the extent of your illustrious findings?

Dr. Z:

Let me tell you woman what you should do this minute, and I would not waste a minute, I assure you. Appraise yourself. Look at your life as a man would see it and then come in here and tell me such foolishness. You are a woman past your prime. You must see an older man. You must accept the simple fact that men your age are purely interested in the sexuality that you can provide. They can command a woman far younger who will provide a lifetime of beauty and children, which the woman does not have to rush to produce. They will go to Jamaica, rather than a mental hospital. You are in danger. Find your equal; a man 20 to 40 years your senior who will perceive you as age-appropriate. That is all I have to say. Men your age are children. They perceive you as their mothers, which is fine in the context of the incest fantasy, but such fantasies do not involve marriage, I assure you.

Jane:

You are a filthy little disgusting pig of a man who couldn’t get a woman if his life depended on it!

Dr Z:

You disconnected thing! You are flooded with delusion. It would take my team days to shovel it out of my research facility.

Jane:

This place looks like some psychotic works here with all these wires hanging from the ceiling and posters of naked women tacked to the walls. And do you think your genius researchers could change their computer wallpapers to something other than women’s posteriors? This place nauseates me. I’m leaving.

Dr. Z:

You will learn the hard way, I assure you. Ignore my words if you will, but you will pay for this ignorance!

[As Jane rushes to the door, Dr. Zegoyavich’s team subdues and blindfolds her before taking her back to her apartment with a vial of morphine and an anthology of the works of Charles Darwin.]

Dr. Anton Zegoyavich, 2009

“The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is ‘What does a woman want?’”

-From Sigmund Freud: Life and Work

“The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul is, first, whether or not there is actually a soul, and second, whether or not women want everything imaginable all at once, or are they willing to accept pieces of it over a negotiated period of time.”

-From Jay Rusovich: Urban Dystrophy

I wish that I could offer something groundbreaking here, but some things are just too convoluted even for me.

Fortunately, I did manage to get Dr. Anton Zegoyavich to offer some insight on the subject of female behavior, which I posted at the end of this essay.

Anyway, what I do know is that men generally die before women. This is primarily due to the tremendous physical toll that trying to understand them exacts.

Women are wired for emotional bombardment, like living in an asteroid belt without even noticing it. This is why they can go on and on like psychiatric patients who free-associate during psychoanalysis.

Another good example would be the way Linda Blair’s character in The Exorcist handled things during the course of her exorcism. It was no surprise the devil chose a woman. Had he chosen a man, the dialog with the priest would have gone something like this:

“Father, I have what feels like indigestion and a bad headache. It could be an aneurism, but something also squeezes my gall bladder every time I try to explain my symptoms. Could we possibly get a gastroenterologist in here?”

In women the interaction is a lot less pragmatic:

“Listen you dumb fuck. Stick that finger of yours near my mouth one more time and see what happens to it. I’ll stuff that bible up your ass and bury the two in the backyard. Now get me some morphine in here befoire I throw up on you again.”

Eavesdrop on a group of women at a bar and this will begin to make sense.

With this in mind, it isn’t surprising that when it comes to the subject of sex, the female brain is often on another planet while in the process of being impregnated on this one.

So there is an inherent disconnect here. The brain and body are always trying to locate one another.

For men there is a corresponding relationship.

For example, when heterosexual men are shown a film of, say, two lesbians and a cheerleader handcuffed to a bedpost, it becomes obvious that the male brain and penis are in agreement.

However, when heterosexual women are shown the same film, their brains shut the door at the same time their vaginas are caught unlocking it.

In last Sunday’s New York Times Magazine, headlined, “What is Female Desire?” Meredith Chivers conducted a series of experiments on men and women to determine the variances of sexual desire. Among other things, she noted that “no matter what their self-proclaimed sexual orientation, women showed, on the whole, strong and swift genital arousal when the scene offered men with men, women with women, and women with men. Mind and genitals seemed scarcely to belong to the same person.”

How long have I been talking about this?

Look, I’m not trying to equate female psycho-sexual with demonic possession, but the fact remains that, to this day, no one seems to have a unifying theory regarding female behavior, period. As I see it, the best one can hope for is a controlled blast.

In view of this, I think men need a break from time to time. They should be encouraged to take lovers in order to preserve their physical health, and thehealth and stability of their families. Perhaps this is why the majority of the wealth in the United States is in the hands of unmarried, divorced or widowed women – over the age of 60.

The Food and Drug Administration should change its guidelines to something along the lines of, say, “Take your vitamins, exercise 5 days a week and see your hooker at least once every 7 days.”

Anyway, here’s what Dr. Anton Zegoyavich had to say on the subject. It was a brief exchange, but I get what I can, given his busy research schedule.

Jay:

Anton, did you get a chance to read that New York Times Magazine article last Sunday on female desire?

Dr. Zegoyavich:

“It is all foolishness, I can assure you. The female walks a fine line from the perspective of mental health. No one can possibly understand behavior under these circumstances. What is ironic is that this instability is precisely what enables longevity. It is self-expression without boundaries or repercussion. Imagine a man encouraged to wear peculiar clothing and to express himself freely and you will notice similar patterns of longevity. A man cannot tell you that he is depressed. He cannot cry. He cannot wear thigh-highs to work. He is repressed, you see. And while in this state he grants women the freedom to do these things, while concurrently allowing them to obliterate him emotionally, if only because the poor creature has no clue as to what he is fighting.

But I cannot say more on this at the moment. My schedule is very busy. I will, however, present to you with my interview with the 37 year old single woman, as I promised…”

Jay:

“Thank you, Dr. Zegoyavich.”

[end]

“In women between the ages of 30 and 35, older men often notice a predilection to forstall the inevitable through adolescent fantasy and acting out. This period of delusion is short-lived, however, as the aging gene is quite busy.” A.Z.

[Within his secret laboratory, Anton Zegoyavich was recently videotaped racing around screaming and throwing things at his team members. They claim these events are not uncommon and indicate that another breakthrough of some kind is imminent.They attribute his bizarre behavior to the after-effects of his well-documented experiments on female aging, wherein he injected himself with the female aging gene to see what would happen.]

The following took place between 7AM and 8AM Mountain Standard Time:

Zegoyavich: [speaking into a micro-cassette recorder in spite of the fact that he is surrounded by his research team. He may not have been aware of their presence at the time in spite of the fact that they were standing right next to him.]

“I am wild today! Do not cross me I warn you!

There are women who do not realize they are in the genesis phase of my savage aging gene.

These women are the subject of my discussion.

At this writing, my team and I still do not know precisely what triggers the awakening of the female aging gene, but I assure you we are working quite aggressively to isolate the culprit.

My suspicions lie in the area of hormonal imbalance, which renders – among many other things – objective communication with women impossible.

Note the behavior of American politician, Nancy Pelosi, as she warns of an imminent attack on this planet from outer space. And do not dismiss her comments about street flooding from melting icebergs, or the hysteria in her eyes when she addresses the media. This woman is in crisis, I assure you, but no man will say such a thing in fear that he may be correct.

Men must face the terrible reality that the human female is emotionally capricious. One might think in terms of skating on a frozen lake, but just after it freezes for the first time.

Perhaps it is not entirely frozen, you see?

So one must tread carefully, which of course places great strain on the male of the species and results in his premature demise. This is largely undocumented, however, if for no other reason than sexual access.

Okay, now let us begin.

Now take careful note of the 30 to 35 year old woman.

Many in this chronological bracket consider themselves to be 18, and as such, so attractive that they can have any man they choose. What they do not realize is that are in a state of accelerated aging, and that the woman they saw in the mirror last week is now two years older.

This is the beginning of a lifetime of delusion.

One manifestation of this delusionment is when women become indignant, for example, when approached in a romantic way by older men who see them as visually relevant. These women resent the assumption on the part of these men that they would ever be interested, and furthermore, that these older men should cower in their presence.

Of course, the older man sees right through them realizing that and what he brings to the table is usually far greater than what she provides, which as I have mentioned, is a lifetime of confusion followed by premature death.

Nonetheless, these women continue to experience difficulties with men they do choose because such men provide what they [unconsciously, of course] consider to be an appropriate reflection of their own narcissism.

She sees him as a reflection of herself. But he sees her as an eroding reflection of himself, which doesn’t work as well; particularly during the advanced stages of disintegration.

As the aging gene does its work, and the facial crevices begin to deepen, as though carved by massive glaciers, down the side of their eyes and mouths, one cannot help but see the end.

It is at this juncture that women experience their first epiphany; a time when the emotional darkness begins to take hold like lichen to the walls of a cave. Eventually it becomes a complete black-out once they enter their 40’s, as one observes a tendency on their part to take an obedient – and much younger – male lover, or a female of any age.

With this in mind, the following illustrates the physical differences in appearance between men and women as they age. The numbers under the Female category are the actual ages of both sexes. The number under the Male category is what men look like in comparison.

Note the point at which my aging gene comes into play. I have high-lighted it for you. I urge you to take note.

Female   Male
12             9
15            12
20            18
25             25
30            28
35            29
40            30
45            35
50            37
55            42
60            45

The following chart illustrates the emotional differences between men and women as they age. The numbers under the Female category are the actual ages of both sexes. The numbers under the male category are what men act like in comparison, in spite of the fact that they are the identical age.

Note the way the man’s behavior corresponds to his physical appearance. In the case of the female, she has difficulty understanding why this disparity exists as they are the identical age, but men see with their eyes, I’m afraid.

Female   Male
12            12
15            15
20            18
25            25
30            25
35            28
40            30
45            32
50            35
55            38
60            42

I dispute a common misconception that the ideal woman for any man is age x .50 + 7. This is rubbish, you see. With this said, a more accurate rendering can be found in the illustration below.

The numbers in the “m” [male] column represent the man’s actual age. Those in the “f” [female] column represent what most men consider to be an age-relevant and/or appropriate female.

Note: There is a striking racial advantage seen in the African American female who appears largely unaffected by the ravages of my aging gene. There are also rare exceptions in other races, but the cause of this remains unknown. I have certain suspicions, however, but am not prepared to elaborate.

Male    Female

30        22              ½ age [M] plus 8
35        25              ½ age [M] plus 8
40        24              ½ age [M] plus 4
50        28              ½ age [M] plus 3
60        28              ½ age [M] minus 2
70        33              ½ age [M] minus 2
80        35              ½ age [M] minus 5

I will leave you with this for the moment. The below photograph is one I have unearthed from American cinema that well illustrates the differences I speak of. The old woman to the left is the identical age of her husband on the right, but the disparity is obvious.

I shall broach the subject of sex in my follow-up discussion. A.Z., MD

[to be continued…]

After some consideration, I decided to publish the following exchange I had with a small town guy I met at a local wine bar. He explained to me that he’d lived his entire life in a tiny enclave outside of Houston, and that after a nasty divorce, he was ready to move to the big city.

[Just to qualify things, it takes at least an hour just to reach the Houston city limits, so understand that we’re talking about another hour on top of after rush hour.]

Anyway, here it is:

Bob [not his actual name]:

“I’ve decided to move into town and start my life over. With all my years of work experience, I’m sure I can get another job selling insurance, and maybe start dating again. I’ve heard this city is full of single women, and I’m going to make the most of it.”"”

Jay:

Really?

How?

With what?

Bob:

What do you mean ‘with what?’

With myself.

Jay:

Not to disappoint you or anything, but this isn’t Montgomery, Alabama. This city, like other big American cities, is full of women who will deconstruct you like car salesman.

Bob:

Look, I know my way around women, believe me.

Jay:

You may know your way around a Wal-Mart, but not Houston. You’re 50, out of  work, out of shape and ridiculously naive.

You’re fucked, Bob. Do you realize that?

Bob:

That’s your opinion. I’ve been told I have a lot of great qualities and I’m sure they’ll be recognized.

Jay:

By whom?

A Catholic priest?

A social worker?

Someone who’s trying to sell you a television?

Do you understand that without the proper survival skills you will be obliterated? The women you’ll probably meet don’t care about how wonderful you are, unless you’re wonderful enough to pay their condo note in exchange for a blowjob.

Your values are useless in a world that can’t see anything beyond itself. This is the epicenter of self-indulgence, narcissism and clinical psychiatric pathology, and this isn’t the only one. Los Angeles, Miami, Dallas, Chicago, New York and Boston also come to mind…among others.

They’re all big cities. All carriers of the pathogen.

Bob:

You must be a big science fiction fan. I wasn’t born yesterday.

Jay:

No, you were born the day before yesterday. You’re speaking in abstractions.

When it comes to certain urban women – the one’s you’re most likely to meet – you most certainly are an idiot. I’m not going to get into all the details right now. Suffice to say, I hope you’re okay with being appraised the way snakes stare at prey without blinking because they don’t want to lose an opportunity to kill something.

What you’ll get is a lap dance in exchange for 20 dollars – and usually a drink – which doubles the bill.

Have you ever considered moving an hour or so away, and then working your way in over a period of years?

Bob:

No. And I don’t appreciate your cynicism. This conversation is over.

Jay:

[Addressing someone on the other side of me]

I tried. I didn’t mean to bum him out. I was just trying to prepare him for women who won’t lie down on command. I wish my friend Dr. Anton Zegoyavich were here to back me up.

Guy:

Yea, I’ve heard about that dude. He’s kind of strange looking, right? He’s the one who isolated the “aging gene” in women.

Jay:

That’s him, yea. Fucking brilliant, really.

Guy:

Yea, my wife mentioned something about him the other night. I don’t think she liked him very much.

Jay:

I can’t imagine why…

[end]

Skull of ancient female discovered in Peru

“U.S. Special Forces are trained to accomplish objectives that are as complex as they are difficult. Hookers are trained to accomplish a different set of objectives that are as rudimentary as they are predictable…” jbr

The following was taken from a recent abstract of Dr. Zegoyavich and published anonymously:

“Where sex is concerned men are childlike and sensitive. Women, on the other hand, tend to be more pragmatic and resilient…like fish, for example.

Women who understand – and most importantly appreciate – these differences enjoy more fulfilling intra-species intercourse. This includes the well-documented vaginal orgasm, which at one time during the course of human evolutionary history took place in the absence of digital stimulation and/or electrical implements.

But I warn you not to misconstrue.

I have no issue with the wide array of devices designed to make life more bearable for women. But I have noted a decrease in psychotherapy for those who utilize the male appendage in their stead.

Put in other terms, for women who have learned to orgasm during penetration – a peculiar concept to many – there appears to be less need for psychiatric intervention. Perhaps this is because they do not view penetration as sexual assault, and as a result, enjoy reconnecting with what it feels like to be human…as opposed to some other species that has yet to be defined because it is still evolving.

Nonetheless, men surrender to sexuality because they cannot avoid it, and they expect the same of women.

This is why I use the term, ‘childlike.’

This term suggests, among other things, that man is vulnerable where sexuality is concerned, and quite naive where women are concerned. He is totally visible, you see. This is not something he is particularly comfortable with because it doesn’t work particularly well when he is hunting. So he must trust you not to judge his perversity or performance in relationship to your vibrators.

These things are, of course, academic, but I broach them because human beings require repetitive messaging.

I have noted that men do not respond well to sexual demands and criticism, unless they are fetishistic in this way. If you tell him, for example, that your orgasm comes first, I suggest you inform him of this requirement at the outset of your partnership. This is not something you do six months down the road, because he will feel ambushed, and then respond insensitively.

As for toys, you can introduce them after you’ve established a foundation. In short, let him lead the charge in bed as he does in the wild. Men must know that what they bring home is more than enough, so I suggest you exercise caution here.

Many women steadfastly insist that men are simply maladjusted women with a penis. This is as ridiculous as suggesting that a chicken is nothing more than a small goat, as I have seen many large chickens.

Regardless, not only does this insult every transsexual on the planet, but it also emasculates every man whose tumescence hinges on the perception that men and women are not all transsexuals.

I hope that I am being clear. My mind is highly abstract and complicated. Confusion is expected.

Men must always feel as though they are conquering something; that there is a challenge they know you can rely on them to meet. This gives them a sense of purpose beyond procreation.

With this in mind, the female should never attempt to control a man. Control leads to emasculation, which is bad for procreation, period.

Here’s an example:

“Honey, I think you should use a bigger rock on that Tyrannosaur. If not he’s going to have us both for dinner…”

This is not a wise move, you see, because it may cause him to simply walk away and allow the beast to eat you.

You are his woman…not his mother or his therapist. If he requires therapy for issues regarding his mother, he will locate one in the phone book.

And while coexisting in the absence of extreme conflict is essential, remember that you are not his friend. He already has friends…and most often does not sleep with them.

These pieces will eventually fall in place if you remain clear of women like Gloria Steinem, who has been determined to be a frustrated transvestite by my research team.

THE PHYSICAL […and a little more psychology, because the two are inextricably connected, in spite of what may appear to be a kind of sociopathic disconnect.]

Men want know that women feel sexual impulses with the urgency of men. And they enjoy knowing that women can rely on them alone for their sexual fulfillment. Not their emotional fulfillment, mind you, but their sexual fulfillment.

There is a difference.

Sexual fulfillment may lead to emotional fulfillment, but men place more emphasis on the sex part, if for no other reason than it doesn’t confuse them.

Men do not respond well to women who say…“Honey, if you purchase that new Chanel dress for me, I promise to take it off for you later on…”

This is completely ridiculous. The man wants you like a pack of wild hyenas — with or without the dress. Do not make sex conditional.

He wants to know you are sexually aroused and want to copulate with him even if he doesn’t buy you something. This is his understanding of human sexuality. If you couch it any other way he will think you are blackmailing him.

Interestingly, the new religious movement has a tenet that men are masters in the relationship, which irritates the feminist. Nevertheless, it sets up a template men are wired to favor.

Hookers, ironically, are also on board with this, which is why legalizing their activities could underwrite America’s trillion dollar debt.

They know that men objectify women, so they cater to this predilection. They embrace the animal. They play the role of projected male fantasy. They surrender, albeit for a price.

All women know these things, though, but many resent the fantasy that sets up the perpetuity of the relationship. So again, we must go back to my analogy of the chicken and the goat.

He must remain the hunter, and she the quarry.

In summation, human sexuality is the culmination of everything laid bare. It is a reflection of who and what each and every human being represents, spoken in its own unique language. It is a dumbing-down of the species.

On a personal note, I find myself also dumbing-down along with my findings, as though everything I’ve ever seen or physically experienced in my life begins and ends at the same place.

Perhaps this is because I have fallen victim to the very research I have spent my entire life studying: female aging and it’s attendant psychiatric manifestations.

As many of you know, I still suffer from the debilitating effects of the female aging gene, which I deliberately injected into my body in order to test its effects on men. The results were as alarming as they were illuminating, so I try not to complain. Nonetheless, while we have isolated it, we must now understand what triggers it out of it’s dormancy so that I can retire and pursue my love of painting.

In the interim, I must tell you that receiving calls from the circus is not amusing…”

“By the way, you’re fucked…” jbr

Photo of Dr Zegoyavich after injecting himself with the female aging gene. Unfortunately, this is the only image of Dr. Zegoyavich that I was able to procure from his agent, Cecilia Menincough Stratisworm.

Jay:

Dr. Zegoyavich, the last time we spoke you had just injected yourself with what you claimed was the gene responsible for female aging. Since that time you’ve lived as a kind of man-child with this extraordinary insight into the deepest recesses of female behavior.

Am I describing your situation accurately?

Dr Z:

Indeed, you are. I have moved far beyond the realm of physical things, as you can see, and into what I consider the primal mechanisms that drive the female human creature. I can only accomplish this with the genetic materials that contribute to the behavior in the first place. Do not judge my capabilities based on my current appearance. Be careful not to underestimate me.

Jay:

No, no…of course not, Dr. Zegoyavich. Believe me when I tell you what an honor and pleasure it is for me to speak with you.

Dr. Z:

Thank you. Okay so you wish to discuss the predatory instincts of the alpa-female, is this correct?

Jay:

Yes, as well as the particular men she chooses to exploit. You know, the ones who don’t realize they’re about to be being eaten alive because their narcissism is, as you’ve stated before, like a massive fog bank they cannot control…unlike certain females, I might add.

Dr Z:

Yes, well I can discuss this subject at length.The metaphoric “limping gazelle!”…Ha ha. Yes, well my gene implant has made them most obvious, I’m afraid.

Jay:

So basically, what you’re saying is that this gene has enabled you to pick your targets with pinpoint accuracy through the eyes of a kind of surrogate woman. You are able to sense specific weaknesses that enable you to exploit your prey before they know what’s hit them.

Dr Z:

Yes, I am like a terrible predator reptile of the highest order, only I am uniquely disguised the way beautiful women disguise themselves before feeding.

Jay:

That’s extraordinary adaptation, I must say. How exactly does it work? Can you set up a typical scenario for our readership?

Dr Z:

Yes, of course. If you understand that men are visual and that women resent this above all else, we can start from there. The most successful hunters put aside their prejudices and use male behavior to their advantage…while they can. They accomplish this by pandering to the fantasies that drive men in the first place. See, all women know exactly what these fantasies are, so don’t let them fool you otherwise. They simply assume that at some point along the way they can tweak a man’s perception of reality in general, women in particular, to fall more in line with theirs.

This never happens, however.

To simplify things, let’s use the following template as a departure point:

Younger women make older men feel younger. Younger men make older women feel older.

This is an inevitable consequence of these unions. Please don’t ask me deconstruct this, because I get bored quite easily, I assure you.

So, imagine a modern gymnasium setting where women are able to showcase their bodies under the pretence of working out in comfort. At this juncture let us introduce a female who wishes to optimize her workout by taking advantage of the wealth and celebrity of another woman’s husband. This is quite easily accomplished, because wealthy men are rarely satisfied with what they have. And because they can always afford more, they tend to acquire it when it becomes available. This is particularly true of men with too much time on their hands. Their minds wander, and like the unwitting gazelle on the Serengeti, they’re usually taken first.

Many of these men spend inordinate amounts of time in gyms for reasons that extend beyond health. This is a red flag. They are inadvertantly advertising that they wish to keep their options open. So they are vulnerable to women who are able to sense their predilections. Their genetics drive them to hunt long after it is necessary, which now renders them the hunted.

Jay:

So the tables are turned without their realizing it.

Dr. Z:

Precisely.

These men want it all, and feel they deserve everything and more than life can possibly offer. This is where the narcissism comes in and moral boundaries become relative.

Women of prey simply morph into living incarnations of the fantasies they know these men possess…or that possess them, as the case may be. They are physically flawless. Everything is in proportion to a genetic blueprint. Nothing is garish or obvious. Remember, this is about stealth, deception and opportunism.

Jay:

You’re saying these men are basically helpless. They’re slaves to their genes. They have no free will. They’re blind to the ramifications of their actions, particularly where women are concerned. If this is true, and women have become the hunter-gatherers, then what are men?

Dr. Z.:

A dying sex.

Jay:

Yea, and even if these men knew what was happening they couldn’t do anything about it because the women in question would deny their motives and move on to another target.

Dr Z:

Yes, because while men are willing to pay for their fantasies, they are not willing to sell the farm.

Jay:

So who wins in this world?

Dr Z:

It is my theory that average people tend to win, but ironically, are the least likely to believe it. They have lesser expectations, less narcissistic delusion, more day-to-day concerns. There is less time for fantasy and fewer resources to consummate them. The population leans in the direction of the mean.

From the perspective of evolution things are as they should be. We cannot all occupy the same stage. Someone must supply the audience. The people you and I discuss are members of an elite culture group who’ve grown too large for the planet. There is never enough space. This said, nothing of any extraordinary value would exist without them, so I will push on with my studies, and I assume, continue my discussions with you.

Jay:

Absolutely. And next time I’d like to know what happens to the wives of these wealthy, famous husbands. Who are they and why were they chosen over the so-called women of prey?

Dr. Z:

Who says they aren’t simply retired?

[end]