30 Jun 2009, Posted by jay rusovich in Jay Rusovich, 0 Comments

Response to a Reader on “Who.I.Am”

“Dear Jay,

Loved your list of questions. Need answers from your readership? You didn’t ask, but I’ll give it a whack:”

1] The customer service I expect from hotels, restaurants, coffee shops and psychiatric institutions, among others…and why I expect it in the first place.

Reader: I expect to be treated in a manner befitting a much richer, better-looking, and more famous person.

Jay: Interesting, given the fact that the photographs you submitted of yourself appear to be that of a 22 year old Olympic track athlete, with a string of gold Medals around your neck. I assume you use several aliases, and that the treatment you expect from in the aforementioned institutions are when you’re in that particular persona.

2] The physical, emotional and intellectual attributes of my ideal woman.

Reader: That would be pretty much the opposite of whatever woman I happened to be in a long-term relationship with. If I’m involved with a skinny, sane, educated, brunette? Then bring on the chubby, blonde, crazy dropout. If I’m busy with an athletic, even-tempered redheaded doctor, then I want the slothful, manic, black-haired biker.

Jay: Yes, and so do women, which is a problem for men with endowment issues. Hence the new HBO series, HUNG. Of course, there are still issues, just other ones. There’s always something.

3] Where do people like myself go to escape, and why escape is a big deal.

Reader: Two words- Internet porn. Envisioned by men, created by men, enjoyed by men. Have a “staycation” every morning!

Jay: For some reason, you seem to think that men and women approach sex from completely different perspectives. Have you tried the whole intimacy-sensitivity thing when in bed? Cuddling? Soft kisses? Gentle touching? I’ve heard it works wonders after the LSD kicks in.

4] Advice to newly-divorced men and women.

Reader: For men- two words – Internet porn. For women- two words – good luck.

Jay: Generally, I find internet porn boring. But no one’s ever told me not to watch it, so the whole stealth aspect is missing. Affluent men, however, never have to worry about getting their sexual needs met, which is part of the problem in the first place: There’s just too much supply.  On the women thing, I agree with your assessment.

5] Style, and why not having it is a deal breaker.

Reader: Definitive proof:  Photos from the Star Trek convention and the State Fair.

Jay: And Wal Mart.

6] The importance of lighting in restaurants, hotels and retail dressing rooms.

Reader: It’s too easy to fall in love in the dark.

Jay: It’s too easy to walk out in the light.

7] Manners defined…or redefined.

Reader: Um — I’ve got nothing for this one.

Jay: Your responses tell us all we need to know about you in this regard, which is why you have nothing to add.

8] What it means to be a man. This includes gay men, but excludes the transgendered, because even I can’t get my head around them.

Reader: see #7 above. I know almost as much about being a man as I do about manners:  I did notice that both words have “man” in them. Is that helpful?

Jay: Being a “man” today is different than it was in 50 years ago. Everything has been redefined by women, but nothing has been redefined for men.

9] How to handle female sexual aggression, particularly when you’re tired…or just want to watch a movie in peace.

Reader: please see #10 below – marriage is your answer.

Jay: Just tell her you’re tired and want to watch a movie in peace. This casts intimacy in a positive light, if only because she knows you’re telling her the truth for a change.

10] Marriage and why I’ve never experienced it.

Reader: please see #9 above- forget about marriage

Jay: Women bring it up all the time, but I notice that most of them are single.

11] How to handle first dates.

Reader: With both hands on the check, if you desire a second date.

Jay: This is where the “redefinition” got lost in translation [see #8].

12] Women: Is it better to rent or own?

Reader: Rent to own.

Jay: Since you never end up owning anyone no matter how hard you try, it’s probably best to rent. However, if you happen to die of heart failure during intercourse, the hooker will just take whatever’s left in your wallet and walk out the door without bothering the people at 911.

13] Should you take the 19 year-old cashier up on her offer, or just walk away with your fantasies in tact?

Reader: Always take the 19 year-old cashier up on her offer. Of course, I have pretty tack-less fantasies…

Jay: Most men would go with you on this one. I’m abstaining. It just isn’t worth it unless she carries a menu with an escort agency embossed somewhere on the page.

14] When to opt-out of a potential threesomes.

Reader: Never a threesome. What you want is you and two girls – not the same thing at all.

Jay: “You and two girls” is a threesome.

15] If it’s okay to hook up with people in “committed” relationships, why not married women?

Reader: Check to see if you live in one of those “alienation of affection” states.

Jay: Hook up with anyone you want, but make sure the woman in question isn’t recording you. Youtube is fun when you’re viewing someone else’s indiscretions.

16] Strippers, prostitutes, escorts, sex workers, porn stars, massage therapists, wives, girlfriends: What’s in a name?

Reader: Everything – for example, why are there so few slang names for female masturbation? Like the Eskimos who have 200 words for snow, men have scores and scores of names for this beloved pastime.

Jay: Please pull the needle out of your arm and offer another response to this question. You lost me.

17] What inspires me and men like me?

Reader: We keep hoping to hear another slang name for female masturbation.

Jay: The needle???

18] My health regimen and why you need one.

Reader: See answer to #3 above.

Jay: You should do a “masturbation for heart health” video.

19] Why I don’t live on a beach in Jamaica?

Reader: Not enough young white women. Better to ask, why don’t I live on a beach in Stockholm?

Jay: Okay, Stockholm.

20] Why death bothers me, a lot.

Reader: After you die, somebody goes through all of your stuff. Yikes!

Jay: I ‘m more concerned about people going through my stuff while I’m alive. The death thing throws me primarily because I don’t get a test drive. And of course, you never really hear anything good about it.