12 Nov 2008, Posted by jay rusovich , 0 Comments
The questions:
1] “I’ve been reading your blogs for quite a while and am beginning to understand and appreciate where you’re coming from. Getting right to the point, when it comes to women, I can’t find “the one” to save my life! I have a good job, stay in pretty good shape, own my own home and have lots of women in my life who would love to date me. But they’re NEVER the ones I want to date. Okay, you might say [not you, of course, but other people – mostly women], so why not just date the women who are interested? Because I’m not attracted to them! Because they’re not attractive! The hot ones are all scamming me, or working 2 or 3 other people at the same time. Talk about evolution at work! Beautiful women are just playing the numbers until every last fucking line item on their fantasy resumes is checked. I’m losing my mind over this bullshit and thought I’d write to someone who can appreciate my position. Anyway, I look forward to any advice you might have for me.” John, 32
Jay:
First of all, there is no “one.” There’s a two or a three, but no “one.” Some people claim to have discovered it, but they fail to mention the fact that they also had an affair or two along the way; or that they were able to distinguish fantasy from reality and were okay with settling for less. They still have the affair, however – with a computer or live human being.
I might also mention the fact that some people are less sexual than others, and frankly, I think this is the best scenario because there’s less turbulence, and thus, a better shot at making it work. Sex becomes monotonous over time, and because people have fantasies, you usually find one partner – or both – acting out from time to time.
Having said this, it is possible to have a few good years of uninterrupted bliss, which is more than I can say for most people…and not bad in relative terms.
2] “I’m 45 and recently divorced. To get back in the game I started looking through the women-seeking-men section of Craig’s list. Is it just me, or is the whole online dating thing just a scam?” Mitchell
Jay:
It depends on what you’re expecting to find. Craig’s list is notoriously scammy.
Here’s a breakdown of the site:
If you’re dumb enough to expect a relationship out of the deal, you better be prepared to relax your standards. Most women on Craig’s resemble pasture animals. They refer to themselves as BBW’s; code for morbidly obese and unable to find a date under normal circumstances. The literal translation of the acronym is ‘Big Beautiful Women,” and they are everywhere on the site.
Then, there is the 20-something hottie. She’s either a hooker, or her image was stolen from an image bank and used to pimp someone else’s porn site.
You have to accept the fact that attractive women DO NOT NEED CRAIG’S – OR ANY OTHER ONLINE DATING VENUE TO SCORE A DATE. Attractive women need only exist.
Other dating sites are similar. Most of the women featured are suffering some debilitating handicap they’re not disclosing, but you discover after you meet them. One’s missing two fingers; another has a skin disorder; the third one is a recovering sociopath. The list goes on.
Read “Origin of the Species,” or “The Descent of Man.”
3] “I consider myself to be an attractive woman, but have a tough time finding quality men to date. Are men just after the sex or do any of them actually have an interest in a genuine relationship?” Michelle, 41
Jay:
Men are interested in genuine relationships, but they want to have them with women they consider to be physically attractive. The problem most women have is in distinguishing what’s emotionally attractive from pure physical beauty. Men can slice and dice reality like a lamb shank. With this in mind, I suggest you get a handle on how attractive you actually are before wasting your time wondering why men aren’t all over you.
Men will take a wounded gazelle and, after a few drinks, drag it behind a bush. But this doesn’t mean they’ll call back. They’re just not interested in a relationship with something that doesn’t jive with their brain chemistry. It’s not their fault. Men want the visuals, first. The rest they sort out down the road.
Finally, no matter what a woman looked like at 25, once she’s reached 42, the game changes…unless, of course, she’s Cindy Crawford…which she isn’t.
4] “Jay, a lot of women consider the things you say to be somewhat misogynist. They think you objectify women the way pork belly futures are bought and sold on the futures exchange. But I sense this isn’t true and that what women resent is the fact that you expose male superficiality for what it is. With this in mind, do you think women encourage men to objectify them based on the way they present themselves?” Shelley
Jay:
Great question.
Of course they do. How many men do you see running around in thigh-high patent leather boots and mid-rifts? How many men apply a full regimen of make-up before going on a date – or to the grocery store, for that matter? How many men wear “Miracle Bras?” It’s a double standard that women both love and loath. They love the attention it elicits, but loathe the fact that the attention hinges on whether or not they do it…or have what it takes to pull it off without embarrassing themselves.
5] “I’m a 60 year old guy in great shape, well educated, affluent and respected in my field. My problem is that I am not attracted to women my own age and am having trouble finding women younger women interested in pursuing a relationship with an older man. The ones who are interested tend to be either gold-diggers, or severely wounded souls in search of the father they never had. Any suggestions?” Michael
Jay:
Your situation is an existential nightmare…unless of course, you’re a celebrity or filthy rich. There are younger women who will play this demographic, but you may have to settle for someone as old as 40.
If you’re focused on the 20’s and 30’s demographic, you’re looking at either gold-diggers or the clinically unstable, which comprises approximately 9 out of 10 cases. These women do tend to be exceptional lovers, though, if only because they have no boundaries…so there is a silver lining.
Unfortunately, though, you can’t hunt them down. You have to be introduced, and they have to make the conscious choice to pursue you. You can’t just pick up the phone and call a 26year old out for a date without risking a hang up. She has self-respect too, and your assumption that she would automatically date someone that much older may come off as a lack of respect.
One final note: If you do find someone who is much younger, make sure that her medications have taken effect, and that she’s not cocktailing it with more than 3 glasses of wine, cocaine or some kind of inhalant.
6] “I’ve been following your work for a while, and I was wondering if you could shed some light on what you think women generally look for most in a man?” Dave, 40
Jay:
Security.
Women care about how a man makes them feel, emotionally. This is why you see so many women sleeping with their girlfriends. Hope this helps.
7] “In a nutshell, why do men cheat?” Catherine, 42
Jay:
The short answer is because they can; especially guys with a lot of money. They’d sleep with a German Shepherd if it got them off. They want the kick. The excitement. The high. The escape. It’s always another notch up, like drug addiction without a price tag. Not all men do this, but most step close enough to the edge to warrant a conversation.
I’m sure that some men are completely faithful to their wives. But in these cases, the woman has kept up her end of the bargain by staying in top physical condition, providing great sex when and where her husband wants it, and never, ever nagging him about anything whatsoever, under any circumstances, period, the end.
8] “There are lots of men to date, but how does a woman go about finding a soul mate?” Carmen, 26
Jay:
There are no soul mates, so stop looking. You sound like those yoga people. This is a woman’s biggest misconception. Soul mates are nothing more than two people who swap pathologies.
For example, a woman may have issues with men, courtesy of a dominating father, so she chooses a man she can dominate in order to heal the wound. The man she chooses never had a father at all – or he was a cross-dresser or something – so he finds the key to his capricious masculinity in the arms of a dominant woman.
In short, soul mates are the keepers of the keys to childhood trauma.
9] “With every physically flawless female there always seems a closet full of skeletal remains and a marriage, or series of, and exes or ex-husbands…ALL of whom couldn’t put up with anymore of their shit. It is a frustration to keep going down the road and meeting the same people. This does beg the question, why divorce is so expensive? And the answer you know – because it’s worth it. Better to go down a different road or look for something different than the magnetically deranged. These people seem to be living out of touch with any reality we know. It looks sad and detached to me because their existence is so unconscious. I’d like your input.” Thomas, 51
Jay:
Once a gorgeous woman hits her 30’s, she starts to emotionally disintegrate. The extraordinary power she once wielded is beginning to wane, and because her self-esteem hinges on the perpetuity of her physical beauty – she finds herself in deepening shit.
Most women of this caliber marry “well” by the time their 25. They pick the best possible candidate and secure a nest egg in the likely event that things go south.
You rarely encounter these women, because when their marriages do fall apart, there’s always a qualified candidate waiting in the wings. If not, they can travel to Europe and find one. The last place you’ll meet them is in a bar. If they were smart enough to nail a retirement package the first time around, you can bet your ass they’re fishing in deeper waters.
There are several websites that cater to wealthy men who demand the very finest when it comes to the women they date. One’s called millionairedate.com. You simply swap commodities: Cash for youth and beauty.
Finally, you must understand that the most physically beautiful, interesting, bright, creative, sexy women are fucking insane. It comes with the territory. They’re maladjusted before they ever leave their families of origin. They’re the ones who got kicked out of high school for doing bongs behind the bleachers. They’re the narcissists, the self-involved, the delusional and the heavily medicated. And they won’t settle for shit. They just wander the earth in search of redemption from being who they are, whoever that is. With this in mind, do you think they actually care who you are? They’re “magnetically deranged” because they’ve never found a home, and like other feral creatures who have the strength, but not the insight, they survive on the margins…where, ostensibly, they meet people like you.
10] “If a guy’s in his middle years and kind of average when it comes to money and looks, does he have a shot in hell of landing a hottie? Frank, 49
Jay:
No.
[end]
